24 June, 2009

Insightful passage

This passage was written by a girl who, at 15, was raped by her 17 year old boyfriend. She was also abused by him multiple times during the course of the relationship. She writes about how it affected her life, and her future marriage (to another man).

"Through the abusive relationship, I was taught that I existed only for sex. I felt as though if i couldn't be good for anything else, I would be very good at sex. My present husband was the first person I went out with following the abusive relationship. My Boundaries were gone. I became promiscuous with my (then future) husband early in our dating relationship. I never told him "No." I don't think I would have said "No" to anyone at that point. Thank God my future husband valued me more than I valued myself.

Throughout our dating and early marital relationship, I used sex to try to fix any problems between us. Anytime my husband touch me or winked, and so on, I responded sexually. It was overkill. He gradually stopped touching me because he did not want sex that often. I then felt rejected and was even more sexually aggressive. It was a vicious circle. I began being unfaithful to my husband--looking for validation of my attractiveness, and so on. My self-esteem sank even lower...For so long, I had functioned as a "sex machine." I worked really hard to be good at sex and to fulfill my partner. I worked so hard at it that I was unable to relax and reach orgasm, which in turn frustrated my husband."

quoted in: Intimate Betrayal: Understanding and Responding to the Trauma of Acquaintance Rape, page 46.

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