Raise your hand if you have ever misinterpreted someone’s body language. Yep, that’s all of us. The woman with her arms folded across her chest could be annoyed, or she could be cold. The guy who isn’t making eye contact during a date may not be bored, he may just be nervous. According to A. Barbour, author of Louder Than Words: Nonverbal Communication, the total impact of a message breaks down like this:
7% verbal (words)
38% vocal (volume, pitch, rhythm, etc.)
55% body movements (mostly facial expressions)
So if we know that 55% of our message is communicated by body movements, and we’ve all admitted that body language isn’t always reliable, then we’ve got a bit of a problem when it comes to communicating—especially about consent.
“But why do we have to talk about it? It ruins the mood. It’s not sexy. It’s awkward. (Insert other common excuse here).” I get it. Many people feel that talking about sex beforehand is too cumbersome a task to tackle. However, let’s consider all the important points that really need to be covered before two people have a responsible sexual encounter:
*What sexual acts are going to be engaged in or performed?
* If there will be oral to genital or genital to genital contact, will protection be used?
*What kind of protection? (Condoms, dental dams, etc.)
*When was each partner last tested for STIs?
*Do they have any?
*If yes, is the other partner comfortable with the risk of transmission?
*What does this sexual encounter mean for the two partners? (Is this a casual hookup, sex between romantic partners, or something in-between?)
*Are the partners monogamous or are one/both in another relationship?
*If the partners are heterosexual, what would happen if the encounter resulted in a pregnancy? (Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby?)
Wow. That seems like a lot of questions to ask before getting into the sex portion of the evening. Those questions are necessary though. The fact that we typically DON’T ask these questions is what often leads to problems down the line. Susie and Johnny have sex and while Johnny thinks it’s a good time and moves on, Susie thinks that this means that Johnny wants to be in a relationship with her. That scenario in itself is a topic for another blog entry entirely, but the point is clear. Consent has two components: it must be informed and it must be mutual. Informed meaning that both parties know what they are agreeing to, and mutual meaning that both parties actually agree. If Ryan thinks that he and George are just going to kiss, but George has below-the-belt plans in mind, these two are not on the same page. Conversely, if George had taken the time to ask Ryan if going below-the-belt was okay, then there would not have been an issue. “But it’s too awkward to ask! What if he says no?”
So let’s tackle the awkwardness excuse. Many don’t want to have the conversation because they’re afraid if they ask, the other person will say “no.” Well gosh, that seems like even MORE of a reason to have the conversation in the first place! Sexual contact without consent is a crime. Even if that crime never gets reported, the victim in that incident has to deal with the trauma that was inflicted on them, intentionally or not. This isn’t just for sex – this is for things as simple as hugging or kissing. You wouldn’t go up to a woman walking her dog and just start petting the dog without asking, would you? I would hope not – it’s a good way to get bitten. So if we ask permission for animals, why not ask permission for humans? Why, when grandma wants to give little Billy a big hug and kiss, but Billy is clearly uncomfortable, do parents say, “Now Billy, give your grandma a kiss.” We are instilling from an early age that sometimes, we have to acquiesce to touches or kisses just for the sake of propriety. Like we tell the kindergarten kids during safety lessons, “your body is YOURS!” and you get to decide who is allowed to touch, kiss, or otherwise enter your personal space. Consider if Billy’s parents, rather than forcing Billy to kiss grandma, told him, “it’s okay Billy, you don’t have to kiss your grandma if you don’t want to.” Suddenly we’ve given Billy his autonomy and reinforced that it’s okay to say no when he doesn’t want to be touched, no matter who is doing the touching.
Mike Domritz wrote an excellent book titled, “May I Kiss You?” and is part of the Date Safe Project, which encourages healthy relationships and consent. He came to West Chester University a few years ago and I was lucky enough to see his presentation. He talked about why consent is so important, even for something as simple as a kiss. Best of all, he provided a great “cover” line in case the answer to the question was negative. It’s very easy to turn that “awkward moment” into an “awwww” moment. It’s about respect, and not wanting to make the other person feel uncomfortable by kissing or touching him/her when it’s unwanted.
So tell me blog readers, what are YOU doing to ensure that consent is obtained and boundaries are respected?
18 April, 2011
28 January, 2011
Self-Care Through Debriefing
In the field of Victim Services, we see a lot of suffering. We work with victims who face challenges healing and recovering following crime victimization. Our job is to provide support to these victims that can help ease the stress of participation in the criminal justice process. Our compassion and concern for others are what bring many of us to the field and are tremendous assets to our work—but may also put us at risk for burnout and vicarious trauma if we do not take care of ourselves.
There are many things that we can do to lessen the impact of victims’ trauma on own well-being. One of the most important things we can do to ensure that we remain compassionate and victim-focused is to participate in regular debriefing. Debriefing involves talking with a colleague or supervisor shortly after an experience that you found difficult to handle, overwhelming, or traumatic. Examples of such experiences differ depending on our life experiences and individual differences, but may include things such as reading a graphic police report or witness statement, talking with a victim who is deeply upset by the crime or the criminal justice process, or helping a victim cope with a “not guilty” verdict. Debriefing may also be helpful after working with a victim with whom we identify or to whom we have a particularly strong reaction (either positive or negative) to help ensure that we are keeping our boundaries clear.
Debriefing may involve simply processing: talking about what happened and reflecting on our own reactions. Debriefing may also involve problem-solving, in which we focus on what went well, what we wish had gone differently, and what alternative approaches may be useful in the future. Debriefing frequently (we suggest at least weekly) can help improve our own well-being, increase our sense of collaboration and connection, and help prevent symptoms of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue including disrupted sleep, poor health, and excessive anger or frustration both inside and outside of work.
Sometimes debriefing with people who understand our work is the most helpful approach. Debriefing should not be an afterthought or considered an impediment to getting work done, but instead should be viewed as a critical part of our work that keeps us healthy and effective. Our goal is to maintain our compassion and respect for victims while caring for our own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. So the next time you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed – or, better yet, before that happens - grab a colleague, get a cup of coffee, and debrief.
There are many things that we can do to lessen the impact of victims’ trauma on own well-being. One of the most important things we can do to ensure that we remain compassionate and victim-focused is to participate in regular debriefing. Debriefing involves talking with a colleague or supervisor shortly after an experience that you found difficult to handle, overwhelming, or traumatic. Examples of such experiences differ depending on our life experiences and individual differences, but may include things such as reading a graphic police report or witness statement, talking with a victim who is deeply upset by the crime or the criminal justice process, or helping a victim cope with a “not guilty” verdict. Debriefing may also be helpful after working with a victim with whom we identify or to whom we have a particularly strong reaction (either positive or negative) to help ensure that we are keeping our boundaries clear.
Debriefing may involve simply processing: talking about what happened and reflecting on our own reactions. Debriefing may also involve problem-solving, in which we focus on what went well, what we wish had gone differently, and what alternative approaches may be useful in the future. Debriefing frequently (we suggest at least weekly) can help improve our own well-being, increase our sense of collaboration and connection, and help prevent symptoms of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue including disrupted sleep, poor health, and excessive anger or frustration both inside and outside of work.
Sometimes debriefing with people who understand our work is the most helpful approach. Debriefing should not be an afterthought or considered an impediment to getting work done, but instead should be viewed as a critical part of our work that keeps us healthy and effective. Our goal is to maintain our compassion and respect for victims while caring for our own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. So the next time you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed – or, better yet, before that happens - grab a colleague, get a cup of coffee, and debrief.
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